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So i was just watching a prerecorded news program on fox 4. Shaun raab was interviewing some neeapos;rdowells (i have no idea how that is spelled but i do love the way it sounds) presumably in pleasant grove my favorite trailer park haven who have degrees in "street life" about whether or not they thought having male volunteers at their middle and high schools letting know there was more to their future than thugging might have made a difference in that future. They said yes and then went on mugging old ladies and harassing stray cats.

but it got me to thinking about my positive influences in high school and middle school. And i am long past the point of blaming others for my lack of motivation and my stagnancy. But it was around the time that my mother met jerry and floated away on a cloud of dependency that my academic career started to take a nosedive.

before the summer between eighth and ninth grade i was an all a student. Actually. I "earned" (though it was really lack of earning) my first failing grade in the last semester of eighth grade. Okay. But until that point i had a mother who looked at report cards and progress reports and still grounded me when i was not up to par midsemester. After that she signed report cards full of failing grades and sent them back to school with me and left me alone. Which is what i wanted her to do really but it taught me an important lesson in parenting.

am i to believe that it is a coincidence that i was one of only two people in my circle of friends that came from a "broken home?" among my closest friends in middle and midway through high school there is a geophysicist, a girl i was so mean to beapos;cos i was so jealous who earned her masterapos;s degree before most of the rest of these people finished their undergraduate programs and who now works in the media room of something something in washington d.c., a middle school drama teacher, a successful actress, a girl who in three years will be a dentist, a boy who has a premed degree ... I could go on beapos;cos i have a facebook account solely to make myself feel terrible about where i am in respect to them. All of these people came from families which at least to me seemed supportive and wonderful and whole. Iapos;m sure of course that they were not without hidden problems. But it is only the two of us who came from families of divorce who are seven years out of high school and lacking college degrees.

like i said iapos;m not trying to place blame just trying to figure myself out. And i have a lot of time on my hands lately. It isnapos;t jealousy anymore just sadness beapos;cos i know i could have done more. Really more than anything it will motivate me to keep my family intact in the future i guess. And maybe that was the lesson intended.
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